Episode 079 | Sex-Ed
Does God want you to have a better sex life? How do you talk to your kids about porn - or stop watching it yourself? What are the best guidelines for sexual activity when you’re not married? Listen in as Pastor Matt tackles your questions on how to be wise when it comes to sex.
This Week's Topics
6:09 - As a woman, how do I find balance in being a Proverbs 31 woman and my true self as a core 8?
Every personality style reflects the glory of God. God is powerful, that’s what the “eight” personality represents. But eights have to care as much about the person as much as they care about their point. Eights need to work under the concept of meekness. An unhealthy eight can’t submit to anyone, including God. What the eight is thriving for is power that’s not theirs. They’re looking to conquer. So the eight has this deep need to be against and that may include God’s law. The beauty of an eight is when they’re on God’s team they’re going to make a difference. They’re loving, they’re caring, they’re tender. The Proverbs 31 woman may have been an eight. Eights are great group leaders because they protect. In the church, we need to see strong women modeling strength in front of young women.
For more on the nine personality types, check out Episode 78.
13:29 - How do we set wise personal boundaries based on our own level of faith?
You have to guard yourself. You have to say, what are my issues? This is why real with self is so essential to every Christian. You have to know yourself and establish your boundaries. What is good for you? Proverbs 5 says: “My son listen to me, there’s a woman whose lips drip with honey but in the end her words take you to death. Don’t go near her house.” We have to look at the things in our life that look like honey but lead to death. We gotta figure out what is that in our life that looks like honey, that the words are so smooth but in the end leads to death.
17:58 - Your first point this weekend was that we are sexual creatures. If we're created in God's image, is God sexual?
God is not sexual. God is relational and intimate. But, through sexual intercourse between a man and a woman, in that moment we have the same ability that God has to create life. Sex is sacred. If you’re a Christian, sex is sacred. We need to learn to cherish and honor that. We as Christians need to have a sense of respect and awe for it. God’s inviting you into his kingdom and that affects every area of your life, including your sex life.
21:49 - I'm a single mom, should I be straight forward in asking my son questions about his sexuality? Should I be specific about porn, masturbation, etc? Or should I let him bring it up when he wants?
Remember Proverbs 31, the teachings of a king from his mother. Raise boys to love women, not just to have sex with women. We need to hope that our kids will do better than we do. Have open and honest conversations. The more the better and the sooner the better. Talk to your kids about sex before they hit puberty. Every child is going to become sexualized. They need to learn who they are and they need to learn what God’s called them to. Have that conversation with him, but don’t guilt him.
25:37 - I stumbled upon pornography in 3rd grade and soon after self pleasure. Both of these are still an issue for me. I know I need to stop and have been working on it for at least a year, but I'm not sure where to go with this.
Get into some accountability, find someone you trust and who values you. One of the lies we tell ourselves is that “when I get married my desires are going to go away.” That’s not true, that’s why it’s so important that you reign in those desires now. You’ve got to treat it like an addiction. You’ve got to be honest with yourself. You’ve got to look at addiction like a battle, don’t give up and don’t give in. God loves you, remember 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Confess with someone who knows the Bible, loves you, loves God and knows you. Celebrate your victories. Don’t pray for the desires to go away, pray for the strength to make different decisions. Habits are hard to break, and the way to break bad habits is with good habits.
31:20 What does being judged mean? I have committed adultery in the past. I knew all along that what I was doing was wrong and not God's will but I chose and followed my emotions over my faith in God. I have repented and asked for forgiveness and I have told others in an attempt at healing; however, I continue to be filled with guilt over my past actions. Has God forgiven me? Will I still be judged?
We all struggle with regret and that’s okay. In fact, people who are not convicted about sexual sin don’t have the Holy Spirit in them.We have to allow the Holy Spirit to convict us not only of sin, but of forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” When you say “I don’t know if God can forgive me for all I’ve done,” you’re saying that you don’t know if the work of Jesus on the cross is all he says it is. The forgiveness is God’s part and we’ve got to trust in him for that. Yes you are forgiven and you can move on. Romans 8:1 says “There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” What we are guaranteed is that we will not be condemned. We will escape eternal judgment but we will stand in front of God almighty and be held accountable for what we did.
35:21 - I've lived with my boyfriend for a little over two years now, and have only recently recommitted myself to Christ. I know in my heart that this is the man for me and one day we will commit ourselves to each other before God. But for now, we both struggle with our sexual desires. Are we wrong for having sex?
Sex is sacred. Now that you’re following Jesus, you’re going to have to wrestle with your sexual desires. What’s most important is not sexual intimacy with your boyfriend but intimacy with God. The most important commandment is (Mark 12:30) “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” You must love God first. If you’re already playing marriage, why not just do it? Get in premarital counseling and abstain from sex until you are married. Marriage isn’t all about sex. It’s about being a team and loving each other. Sex is a band-aid over real issues and often times sex blinds you. Sex before marriage is an issue between you and God. Jesus says, (Mark 8:36) “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?”
42:45 My girlfriend and I have been dating for years and we have not had sex. We sometimes engage in sexual behavior but we feel wrong about it. How can we determine what level of physical intimacy is right or wrong?
If you feel wrong about it, that’s your answer right there. Less is better. The only thing you’re doing is frustrating yourself. Work through the issues. You have your whole life to have sex, so wait until you get married. Continue to focus on the other aspects of your relationship. If you’ve been dating for years you need to think about marriage.
48:22 - I'm a single Christian man who has been struggling for years with the subject of sex. I'm only dating Christian women and am committed to sexual purity, but can't currently find any Christian women who share the same sexual commitment, what should I do?
You may need to look at your approach. Often times our struggles for relationships are relational struggles. Invite people into that conversation. You need to have an honest, open conversation with someone who loves God and loves you and you need to listen. The life you always wanted is not found in a sexual partner it’s found in Jesus. Trust God on this issue and when the time is right it will happen.
52:30 - How should we navigate relationships with people we know are actively in sexual sin?
Depends on the relationship. Are the claiming to be a Christian? Are they in leadership? Where you have to shut that down is when they’re saying what they’re doing is okay. We are commanded to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. He is to be first and that includes over and above our sexual desires. Confront in love and in truth, you got to have both. In the end people who are in sexual sin are hurting themselves.
53:49 - If I am still technically married (my husband has made it clear he no longer wants to be married) can or should I still have sex with him?
No, that’s weird. At this point, one of the ways to save your marriage is to draw some lines. He is wanting the benefits of marriage without pursuing marriage. It’s total selfishness on his part. You need to cut that off and find out if there’s any way to fix the marriage. Is he willing to go to counseling? If he’s done then you need to stop having sex with him.
55:05 - You mentioned that Abraham was circumcised so that his greatest desire was God. In present day, is circumcision still considered necessary? Also why would God create sex, which is amazing, and then decrease man's sensation during it?
Circumcision is not necessary anymore. We are right with God through Jesus’ sacrifice, not through circumcision. As for sensation, the ultimate goal of sex is not the sensation it’s the intimacy that occurs.
58:11 - In addition to things like therapy, where should a young Christian man who has been sexually abused look for tools for healing?
I would encourage you to find a counselor. Get in touch with SoulCare here at Sandals Church. Pursue Christian counseling deeply. Sexual crime has been dealt against you and that’s going to affect every area of your life. The sooner you deal with that the better.
61:16 - What are some ways for a spouse of someone who has been sexually abused walk with their spouse in working through the repercussions of that in their sex life?
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is patient, love is kind, and love does not demand its own way. The big thing is not to demand. There are sexual things for some couples that are normal that are uncomfortable for others. At the end of the day we need to value our spouse, not sex. Be loving, be kind, be patient and go get help together. God’s will for every married couple is a healthy sex life. 1 Corinthians 7 says your body is not your own. It belongs to God and to your spouse.
Watch Pastor Matt's message about how to be sexually wise
Learn more about the men's sexual freedom group, meeting every Tuesday night at Sandals Church Hunter Park.
Sign up for premarital counseling at Sandals Church